My life as a preemie mom

February 03,2020

Very early in life, I had to learn that many things in life don't turn out the way as planned. In fact, many things happen and you have absolutely no control over them. 

For many years, I dreamed about my first pregnancy and the first year of being a mom. I pictured myself dressed in a beautiful gown, with a big 8 months pregnant belly having my pictures taken by a photographer. I dreamed about meeting other mom's for coffee, joining baby swimming classes and playgroups and enjoying life to the fullest. 

None of these things really happened the way I imagined, dreamed of, and had hoped for. 

I had a terrible pregnancy with constant spotting and bedrest. I had to stop working at week 16 of my pregnancy and at week 19, I was on strict bedrest at the hospital only allowed to get up to use the bathroom. 

My cervix was too short, almost non-existing. I assume due to an earlier endometriosis surgery, my cervix was shorter to begin with, but I believe I also had weak connective tissue, which caused the cervix to decrease so rapidly. Unfortunately, the placenta was sitting right on top of my cervix, preventing the surgeon to perform a cerclage, sewing close the uterus. After a constant back and forth the doctors decided to put in a pessary to hold close the uterus. The doctors debated if the advantages of putting in a pessary would outweigh the disadvantages of getting an infection.

Despite following all the rules and surviving daily blood draws, allergic reactions to the antibiotics and terrible hospital food, my water broke in week 25. I had no contractions, and there was still enough embryonic fluids left to not induce labor right away. But the next morning, I started to bleed pretty heavily, which meant I had to go down to the delivery room to be monitored. In the late morning, I started feeling worse by the hour. I had a headache, a slight fever and my CRP was increasing. 

One of the doctors from the neonatal department came to talk to me about the odds of survival of my baby. I was in a constant state of trance. I just could not believe all of this was happening. I fought so hard to keep my baby for as long as possible, but I started to feel the need of getting him out. I was getting weaker and did not feel well and for the first time I thought I couldn't do it any longer. I wanted to be a good mom, but I needed the baby to come out. Sure enough, the head of gynecology came to inform me that the baby is no longer safe and they need to perform a C-section. I could not even kiss my husband prior of going into surgery, because he couldn't make it in time from home before they took me in. 

I was so scared; but, I had the best anesthesiologist on earth. He talked me through everything that would happen in the next few minutes prior of him putting me under. He told me it's going to get loud and busy in here but he doesn't want my son to get any of the medication from the anesthesia, so he will put me under just bevor the surgeon is ready to cut. He asked me, if I had a name for the baby and without thinking I just said Niklas Maximilian. He asked me if I picture myself with Niklas where would we be and I said, I would be walking on the beach in San Diego. So right before he put me under, he said "I will be right here with you the entire time. Don't be scared. All the people in here are solely focused on you and Niklas and the neonatal team is right next door waiting for Niklas to be born. So don't be scared. Think about your stroll on the beach in San Diego." And the next thing I remember is me waking up and asking for my baby boy.